Poly Nirvana

A thing that happens when a relationship ends, is that you have no control over the words that your former person uses when talking about you, and the relationship.

It is true that the narratives of a relationship will be different to a degree depending on individual perspective. That’s expected. The problem is when the stories of a relationship are skewed from person to person so drastically, that they cannot both (or all) possibly be true.

Throw polyamory/non-monogamy into this mix, particularly inside small communities, and the misinformation that can be spread among partners, ex-partners, metamours, potential partners, etc. is damaging and sometimes hurtful.

Be mindful of your words.

The end.

I take my children to Pride every year.  We go as allies; though none of us wear signs or nametags to identify ourselves as such.  The kids know I have dated across the gender spectrum, but I don’t identify anywhere, with any label.  That ambiguity may be my own personal confusion, or something else entirely, but the fact remains that I don’t see polyamory as an orientation; it’s just another way to do relationships.  I think we are so far removed from biology when it comes to this subject, that debates about how our “caveman ancestors”, or the bonobos… structured relationships by instinct…make me want to stick forks in my eyeballs.

I choose polyamory and non-monogamy.  Some people choose monogamy.  And then there are others who choose to present as monogamous, but pursue non-monogamy as a secret vice. No wonder everyone is confused.

More thoughts as we start on Pride season, from Mel Mariposa.

via Polyamory and Pride

This week is a cluster.

I have to remind myself to keep breathing.  Slowly; deeply.  I imagine the breath seeping all the way down to my toes, before lazily traveling back up through my body and then out into the universe.

Stress is challenging. I like to know things, plan things, control things.  The times I feel the most panic and unease, is when I simply can’t. 

I’m learning to sit with it.  Be uncomfortable.  Be okay with that.

This next weekend is Year Two of RelateCon.  My baby, my conference.  I’m excited, nervous, confident, optimistic, spread thin, happy.  I’m all the things.

I’ve been hesitant to sit down and really explore through writing where I am within my personal relationship philosophy, but it is coming.

First though, conference.

My youngest child, and only daughter, is twelve today.

She frustrates and confuses me sometimes.  She’s brilliant, opinionated, detail oriented, and a blatant perfectionist.  She wants things done right.  She cries when she is angry.

Then I have to remind myself.  She frustrates me, because she is like me. 

And I don’t know exactly how to help her be any other way,  because what I’m best at, and have the most practice at, is being an opinionated, blatant perfectionist.

Crap, I got that from my mother.

For real though, I am parenting her mindfully, and with awareness of the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully I’m teaching her at least some practical techniques for managing her anxious feelings and the frustrations that she feels from being who she is.  She is wonderful.

She just needs to learn how to control her power, like the unsuspecting superhero who stumbles onto a ferocious supernatural gift, which will either be used to destroy everything, or can be harnessed and used with intention to make the world a better place.

I’m rooting for my little superhero.

When I used the word “polyamory” for the first time with my Dad, I told him, “It’s kind of a trendy thing right now.” He and his girlfriend looked at each other and laughed, and she said, “We definitely aren’t trendy.”

Unfortunately it’s become such a watered down term these days, inconsistent in it’s definition from person to person, that any time someone tells me they are polyamorous, I feel like I need the backstory.  “So”, I usually say,  pretty early on in the conversation, “what does that mean to you?”  I want to know what the reality of their polyamory looks like.  I want a quick down and dirty overview, especially if I’m having a conversation with someone interesting, or someone I’m attracted to, or considering dating.

I’ve been living life quietly lately.  I’m busy, I’m occupied, I’m involved in many things, except dating.  I got tired; I got burned out.  I wasn’t having fun any more.  So I stopped a couple of months ago.  It’s been nice and I needed the time but I’m ready to restart my Tinder account and to revisit my OkCupid profile.  I likely need a complete rewrite, but I think that will have to wait a few weeks ago.

I’m producing and directing RelateCon 2018 again, and an event of this depth is pretty time consuming and energy intensive.  I’m excited to see the bigger polyamory community come together in this environment.  I truly love conferences and community, and I’m excited to connect with old friends as well as meet tons of new people.  I’m gearing up to be “on” as Ginger all weekend, which is no easy feat for a self-proclaimed extrovert-leaning introvert.

But I’m excited.

I used to have big important things to write.  I had issues to explore.  I thought I could offer something new to the conversations surrounding hierarchy, metamours, conflict in polyamory, and the culture of poly.  I had things to say.

Then I got cynical. I got impatient with watching the constant stream of people doing bad poly.  Horrible poly. Wrong poly.

And don’t start sending me messages about how “Everyone’s poly is different, and that’s ok.”  As the polyamorous community has grown, the poly culture has developed this mantra that judgement is unacceptable, and that everyone gets to define their own poly and we all have to accept that, without question.

I don’t think so.  Even more than that, I don’t fucking think so.

I will judge your poly.  I judge every person who comes along, who I may be interested in.  I want to know what does your poly look like now?  What does your dream poly look like?  What do you really want from polyamory? 

Sometimes the answers give me pause.  No, thank you, I think.

Sometimes the answers make me want to scream.

N0, I do not want to be added, or integrated into YOUR relationship.   I do not want to fill in the cracks, settle in the spaces, be disposable.  I’m vital, I’m exquisitely myself, and either you want all of me, and all of my personhood, or you get nothing from me.

I don’t have time to educate the unicorn hunters.  I’m too tired these days.

Boise is having record breaking snow.  The kids have had three snow days so far, and honestly, even if school isn’t called off for tomorrow, I will likely keep them home.  It’s treacherous out there.  I’m anxious about being on the roads.  Many of the neighborhoods are snowed in.  I was able to get out this morning for a few hours, but got stuck in snow twice in my sister’s neighborhood.  I was happy to get home safely and build a fire.

I had a coffee date with Montana scheduled for today, to discuss some things about RelateCon.  She’s doing some lawyer-ly things, and I’m the director/producer.  I was too nervous to drive, so we did an online chat instead after I got home.  As we finished up, I told her that I had been wanting to be more friendly with her, but that I felt a little uncomfortable and closed off because I don’t know (and don’t want to really ask, because eww, vulnerability)  how she feels or what she knows about things between myself and Special Man Friend.

(I guess I should technically rename him, but I don’t want to.  Former Special Man Friend, maybe?)

She didn’t give me any feedback, just acknowledged the message before we said goodbye.  Maybe I made her uncomfortable, but I’m making an effort to communicate and face my own awkward or uncomfortable feelings with people instead of shutting down.  I’m reaching out more to people I know who love me, and asking for what I need, and I think this is helping me in dealing with those people I am uncertain about, like Montana.  I am me, and that’s all I can be.

I’m having surgery in ten days, and I’ve written myself a permission slip to just take care of myself for the next eight weeks or so.  I’ve been going to my family, and to my friends for support and love, and avoiding focusing on dating or new romantic connections.  I’ve needed this time alone, more than I realized.  Overall, I feel good.

I know this:  I need romantic connection and intimacy.  And I believe it will come to me.  But today, I’ve got a warm fire, Game of Thrones, and a really good cup of coffee.  I’m good.

A NEW POLY CONFERENCE!

This is really happening.

I am producing a national polyamory focused conference in Boise, Idaho in the Spring.  It’s going to be an AMAZING event.  There are some fantastic national presenters coming, including Cunning Minx and Lusty Guy from the Poly Weekly podcast.

~Presenter list HERE~

Everyone is welcome!!!  Class descriptions will be posted within the next two weeks.  If you’ve never been to a hotel poly conference, you should come, or find another one that works for you, like the Atlanta Poly Weekend, or Beyond the Love in Ohio.  It’s pretty significant to be able to connect with other poly people.  Community is invaluable.

So excited.  🙂

Benjamin had some sweet qualities.

There came a moment where I realized that he reminded me of my ex-husband.  My abusive, unstable, volatile, ex-husband. It was nothing obvious, or blatant, just a couple of comments that gave me pause.  A few days later, in response to hearing that I had bought myself a new adult toy for Christmas, a real splurge for me and one that I was excited about, Benjamin said I’m sorry I don’t do it for you, and over the next few days he went from subtle sulking to passive aggressive comments, and that was that.

I don’t have the time or energy for this.

I’m too valuable. Too valuable and precious, to myself.

The last few months have solidified my poly viewpoint.  Above all, I value connection that accepts me exactly as I am. Now.  And that’s what I want to reciprocate.  An unconditional acceptance of someone or someones for who they are at their core.  I value kindness.  I value self-awareness, and the ability and desire to communicate.

I value these things in friends, in lovers, in my relationships with my children.  I want to find every ounce of love and connection that I can.  I want honesty and authenticity.  I want to love real people, because I am a real person, a real and imperfect person who is trying her best to live a good life.

And I want to surround myself with people like that.  People who are trying their best.

That’s my poly.

I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like.  But I do know what it feels like.